Dissociative Identity Theft

i don't even know where to start, i guess i half started on the phone the other day while you were falling asleep, but i don't even really remember what i said. i don't even know if i've ever explained to you how joel and i became friends, so i'm going to start there. i have this friend (or had, we haven't spoken in a very long time) named rachel, who i've probably mentioned to you at some point, her mom thinks i'm the devil for various reasons and blamed all of rachels problems on me. anyway rachel met joel on a speech and debate trip to boston. she didn't really like him that much (which she told me, i don't think i've ever really been truthful about that with him) but he bought her comic books, so everything was alright. he lives in florida. for a while i guess they talked online, but then she didn't really want to talk to him anymore, around the same time she and i started talking less frequently. so he was worried about her, and he found me on her myspace, found my s/n and IMed me. at first when i found out who he was i was completely creeped out and found him quite stalkerish. but i did make some calls to find out that rachel was alright and i let him know. after that we talked infrequently and randomly, and mostly about rachel. then we started talking more, about our own nerosis (he's a cutter too and has some other issues) and whatever else. he's a weird kid, but he's genuine which seems to be a trait i find in people less and less. in the last six/eight months we've started talking a lot more, and since i got a cell phone, we've talked almost every day on the phone for at least a few minutes. i always (well after the intial craziness of how we ended up talking in the first place) cared about him, and we occasionally talked about having crazy kinky sex (he's a total freak, btw), but i never had like romantic feelings for him. and then the other night we were on the phone for like almost three hours. and we were naming these kittens that he has (they're only 4/5 weeks old) and i named one poptart, because i've always wanted a kitten named poptart. and i dunno...the more we talked the more i wanted to be there with him, close to him, whatever. and i ended up crying, and we got off the phone and i couldn't really sleep, that's when i put the away message up that he responded to in the conversation i posted earlier. the next day i was pretty down, i didn't have to work so i basically laid here watching jimmy neutron and being depressed. he called that afternoon to see how i was...and i don't know...i just wish that i had some control over the situation, i wish i could get up and go to florida and be with him, but its not like i can. and he's going to college in new mexico anyway and his father basically has the rest of his life planned out for him and he has no control at all. and i don't even know if my feelings are real or not, because is it just the same thing all over again, i'm falling for him because i can't have him? because i never seem to fall for anyone i can actually be with. and then there's the jason bullshit that doesn't even seem to matter much, because he's a complete idiot. i don't even think he has a girlfriend, because everyone else at work that like is really good friends/related to him says he's single. so who the fuck knows, all i know is its going on four months and he's never going to make a move, so what's the fucking point in even flirting with him anymore? have i bored you completely? i took cold medicine with pseudophedrine in it this morning, and its kept me really calm all day, its like taking adderall again, i was not crazy and running around like an idiot as much at work today, but i don't like the way it makes me feel, like the adderall always did, like i want to cut. but i haven't...not in like...a month or something even though that's not really good enough i'm not sure if i even care. ok. i'm done now. for real.