20060112
when i freaked out last night it was because it was way easier to cry over how much i miss steve then to cry because of the other shit going on. the conversation i found was from the summer of 04, way before we ever started talking about doing anything more than fucking, before either of us said "i love you." and at the time i was basically pretty in experienced sexually. i went to manhattan and that all changed.
i don't know.
amanda and dominic are probably getting back together, because he fed her a bunch of lines and she bought it. its not like it really matters in the long run.
my mom very politely told me that she loves me, but does not approve of my lifestyle so she basically couldn't take me in if i got kicked out.
i hate that i let my guard down and tell her things because she seems like she's okay, and then i tell her too much and she uses it against me later, she's always done this, but i guess i want to think my mother has changed or something, but its not true.
so i missed steve last night and i hit his myspace, and he changed his display name to "yours" and i'm wondering who he's refering to. he made a blog post on there about ridding his life of drama in '06. i've been accused of being dramatic in the past...but i know that all i want to do is read into everything he says and pretend its about me, because i want to think he's thinking about me even though i'm smart enough to realize that he was a asshole and he screwed me over. i don't want to believe that though. you asked me before if there was any guy i wanted more than amanda. and thats who it is. it'll always be him, in the back of my head, holding me, and then leaving me and making me cry. or andy, but that's just a whole different catagory of issues.
i didn't tell you what happened on monday when i was with my mom.
she had to drop something off at someone's house for work, in south allentown, which is where andy lived, the house was actually just a few blocks away from his house, and i've made it a point in the last two years to never be in that area, but i was, and my mom got out of the car to drop off whatever she had to drop off, and i almost got out of the car and threw up. but i held it in. i bit down really hard on the inside of my mouth. my mother had no sense of direction at all whatsoever, and so i had to give her directions to get back out to the main road, and the way i directed her i made sure we drove past his house. there was a little blue toyota or something parked in the driveway, whoever bought the house doesn't have his distaste for foreign automobiles. it didn't feel the way i expected it to, probably because i waited so long to do it. i guess i spend too much time blaming him for all of this, because i want to know how it would've been if he hadn't shot himself. he would hate me now, because i dont' have a job, and i'm not in school, he would hate the mess i've made out of my life. and that should motivate me to change something, but it doesn't, it just causes a dull ache in my chest and makes me roll over and go back to sleep.
i don't know.
amanda and dominic are probably getting back together, because he fed her a bunch of lines and she bought it. its not like it really matters in the long run.
my mom very politely told me that she loves me, but does not approve of my lifestyle so she basically couldn't take me in if i got kicked out.
i hate that i let my guard down and tell her things because she seems like she's okay, and then i tell her too much and she uses it against me later, she's always done this, but i guess i want to think my mother has changed or something, but its not true.
so i missed steve last night and i hit his myspace, and he changed his display name to "yours" and i'm wondering who he's refering to. he made a blog post on there about ridding his life of drama in '06. i've been accused of being dramatic in the past...but i know that all i want to do is read into everything he says and pretend its about me, because i want to think he's thinking about me even though i'm smart enough to realize that he was a asshole and he screwed me over. i don't want to believe that though. you asked me before if there was any guy i wanted more than amanda. and thats who it is. it'll always be him, in the back of my head, holding me, and then leaving me and making me cry. or andy, but that's just a whole different catagory of issues.
i didn't tell you what happened on monday when i was with my mom.
she had to drop something off at someone's house for work, in south allentown, which is where andy lived, the house was actually just a few blocks away from his house, and i've made it a point in the last two years to never be in that area, but i was, and my mom got out of the car to drop off whatever she had to drop off, and i almost got out of the car and threw up. but i held it in. i bit down really hard on the inside of my mouth. my mother had no sense of direction at all whatsoever, and so i had to give her directions to get back out to the main road, and the way i directed her i made sure we drove past his house. there was a little blue toyota or something parked in the driveway, whoever bought the house doesn't have his distaste for foreign automobiles. it didn't feel the way i expected it to, probably because i waited so long to do it. i guess i spend too much time blaming him for all of this, because i want to know how it would've been if he hadn't shot himself. he would hate me now, because i dont' have a job, and i'm not in school, he would hate the mess i've made out of my life. and that should motivate me to change something, but it doesn't, it just causes a dull ache in my chest and makes me roll over and go back to sleep.
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