20060108
ok...
i was about to start with something completely different, but then my stepmother just told me that stephen's not allowed in my bedroom, which most likely means she heard us this afternoon while we were watching movies in there and messing around a little bit. wonderful. what she said exactly was "i've told you before i don't want men in that room, that includes stephen."
1. i don't remember her ever voicing this no men rule...
2. we've been watching movies in my room basically since he's been coming down here to see me...
ok. had to get that off of my chest quick.
now for the thing thats been keeping me awake since i let it conciously surface in my brain at some point on thursday night. the other amanda and i got into a fight on thursday, because we went out with our friend corinne, and this guy nate that she is sort of persuing. we were both really bitchy to eachother all night, and i admit that i probably had no reason to be completely and ridiculously mean to her. and when she got home she IMed me and started accusing me of flirting with nate all night and then she said something that triggered my general enlightenment. she said something to the degree of, "you were hitting and pushing and being mean to me all night, you always do that when we go out with people, but you never do it when its just me and you or me, you and stephen, why can't you act normal?" at first it just pissed me off that she said this, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized she was right and began to realize why. when she and i are with corinne, or with someone other that stephen, i'm competing for her attention like a little kid. when its just me and her, or stephen is with us, i don't need to compete with stephen, its them competing for my attention. in this competition there's no contest, amanda always wins. in all honesty, i'm in love with her. i put up with her shit, and get extremely jealous of every guy she's with and that is why. a little over a year ago, while i was in new york, she and i had a conversation that stuck in my head, and that she most likely never gave a shit about at all. in that conversation we talked about the fact that if our parents weren't the way they were, and the world was different, that we would be together, and she actually said she was in love with me. but she never ever mentioned it again, and when ever she says she'll be alone forever and i say, "well you'll always have me, and we can move to chelsea and have a thousand cats" she shrugs it off like i'm joking, and it fucking hurts every single time. i want to tell her that's why i was such a bitch the other night, i want to tell her how much i want us to be together more than anything else, but i know she doesn't want that, and that she won't take me seriously, because in reality we're friends but the sex thing is just something fun for her she has no intention of ever having a relationship beyond what we have with another girl, she doesn't even consider herself bi. and i'm here, completely lost, still not sure what to do about the whole stephen thing, having one existential crisis after another....ahhhhh...ok i think that's it for the moment.
i was about to start with something completely different, but then my stepmother just told me that stephen's not allowed in my bedroom, which most likely means she heard us this afternoon while we were watching movies in there and messing around a little bit. wonderful. what she said exactly was "i've told you before i don't want men in that room, that includes stephen."
1. i don't remember her ever voicing this no men rule...
2. we've been watching movies in my room basically since he's been coming down here to see me...
ok. had to get that off of my chest quick.
now for the thing thats been keeping me awake since i let it conciously surface in my brain at some point on thursday night. the other amanda and i got into a fight on thursday, because we went out with our friend corinne, and this guy nate that she is sort of persuing. we were both really bitchy to eachother all night, and i admit that i probably had no reason to be completely and ridiculously mean to her. and when she got home she IMed me and started accusing me of flirting with nate all night and then she said something that triggered my general enlightenment. she said something to the degree of, "you were hitting and pushing and being mean to me all night, you always do that when we go out with people, but you never do it when its just me and you or me, you and stephen, why can't you act normal?" at first it just pissed me off that she said this, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized she was right and began to realize why. when she and i are with corinne, or with someone other that stephen, i'm competing for her attention like a little kid. when its just me and her, or stephen is with us, i don't need to compete with stephen, its them competing for my attention. in this competition there's no contest, amanda always wins. in all honesty, i'm in love with her. i put up with her shit, and get extremely jealous of every guy she's with and that is why. a little over a year ago, while i was in new york, she and i had a conversation that stuck in my head, and that she most likely never gave a shit about at all. in that conversation we talked about the fact that if our parents weren't the way they were, and the world was different, that we would be together, and she actually said she was in love with me. but she never ever mentioned it again, and when ever she says she'll be alone forever and i say, "well you'll always have me, and we can move to chelsea and have a thousand cats" she shrugs it off like i'm joking, and it fucking hurts every single time. i want to tell her that's why i was such a bitch the other night, i want to tell her how much i want us to be together more than anything else, but i know she doesn't want that, and that she won't take me seriously, because in reality we're friends but the sex thing is just something fun for her she has no intention of ever having a relationship beyond what we have with another girl, she doesn't even consider herself bi. and i'm here, completely lost, still not sure what to do about the whole stephen thing, having one existential crisis after another....ahhhhh...ok i think that's it for the moment.
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