Dissociative Identity Theft

There is a lot I regret in my life. You can't ever really take anything back, and there were times when I thought I would have given anything to take something back, to change a behaviour, to go about it differently.

The good majority were very minor- when I was little and I got it trouble. But, as I got progressively older, I stopped looking at it quite so simply as that. It was still, genrally, in terms of consequences, but I had somewhere along the road learned that dealing with my mother's groundings for things I did sucked, but were, in some cases, neccesary.

The things I was learning to regret the most were the decisions that utterly changed the course of my life- or the lack of a manuever that COULD have. And, not very surprisingly, most of the decisions have to do with women, or, depending on how old I may have been, girls.

1) It all really started in the 3rd grade, when Jamar Bynum (a cute little girl that I liked and played with every day after school) rejected me for the new kid, Mikey. Mikey had been one of my good friends once I got to know him, but she chose him over me, something I never really forgot. After that point it seemed to be my lot in life that everyone would thematically choose something else over me.

2) In 7th grade, I had a crush on tatiana ryland. she apparently, had one on me, too. but I was shy, and I was a jerk. I never moved on it, and by the time we were talking and I realized that she was a pretty cool person I was allready dating someone else- and in love with them. I never majorly regretted this- we're starting off small, here, but I always wondered where it could have gone, had I let it.

I'm going to take a short pause here, and explain something. For some reason or other I have been, on a couple of occasions, attracted to women that are more concerned with their own personal needs than that of others' needs fairly strongly. This doesn't bother me- They say that opposites attract, and as a logical progression, it makes sense. If one person talked a lot, they wouldn't neccesarilly want the other member of the relationship to try to compete with them in talking, if one person was quiet, perhaps they would need the other to talk, and if one person was selfish, then they would definitely need the other person to be more of a giver, as this is what they would want.

I've always been a giver. and I've always been attracted to these kind of people- to a degree. The two most notable are Elizabeth and Pamela, allthough again, neither of these is a true major regret. I'm just trying to build an image of myself right now.

Elizabeth was one of my earliest crushes. At least, once you move past elementary school's useless ones.

Slightly after tatiana, I took more of an interest in Elizabeth. it was propably the summer of my 7th grade year, we went on a mission trip together in my church. Elizabeth had a boyfriend- but I didn't know this for most of the week. and she made it very clear that she was attracted to me, and she even at one point talked about kissing me. The first time I was ever honest with a girl about something embarrassing; and I was shot down pretty hard. I think that always has stayed with me.
We were at some fake rock climbing place, and me and elizabeth had managed to wonder off somewhere else. we were kinda wrestling around and giggling, and it was anything except innocent, allthough we weren't doing anything, ideas were swirling about.

She ended up pinning me down, and felt that I had an erection- the fact that I was turned on by our antics. She looked kind of surprised, and asked about it. I was really embarrassed, but I said something along the lines of yes, because I was attracted, and it was normal. I think she liked the idea that she turned a guy on, and she kind of thought about it after that. That night, we went to a movie, and held hands for a bit. then she started to get upset, and told me that she had a boyfriend in norman, and didn't want to do this to him. I was hurt- and I didn't really understand why, then.

Things with elizabeth fell apart. We saw each other occasionally in norman, or, at church, and she would say hi, as would I. then one day, after I broke up with erin (i'll get to that), she happened to be behind me on the road. She said, "hey there cutie." and proceeded to make fun of my car. Possibly she was just flirting because I waas finally single again, or possibly it was something else. It doesn't matter, because by this time, I knew that it wasn't worth pursuing and Elizabeth wouldn't have wanted anything except for a sex toy, anyway.

Then let's go to My freshmen year of highschool- the summer after. this is a case of puppy love on my part, pure and simple. A girl whose name I don't remember anymore, but whose nickname was Lizzy. don't ask me HOW she got that nickname, as her name was something like Karen (not that, but not Lizzy-like, at all.)
I should have known this was a bad move.
Again, this is a summer camp kinda thing. and out of everything I have learned about summer camp, the most valuable lesson is this- you tend to build relationships very quickly and they tend to become very strong, and then they don't last past the camp at all. This happened with Lizzy, and being a complete and utter fool (as she lived in a different town) I asked her out at the end. I knew it was foolish, but I did, anyway. she got really upset and wouldn't even say bye to me... and it was the last day.
The repercussions from that one lasted a while. I realized that it was a dumb move, and I also realized that when you tend to be honest about your feelings, they get trampled on. it's no wonder that in our society people tend to hide their feelings away, to only show to a few people the truths and realities of their emotion. I, even, am an example of this. I've only truly opened up a couple times, ever, and with the one person I did open up to that much (Erin, but we're getting to this) I still had secrets from. and so I belatedly realized my mistake, too late, and moved on towards another ultimately failed attempt...


Next up on the list of time would definetly be Michelle my Junior year of High School. this one is more minor (and did not effect me badly) than any of the affermentioned except tatiana- nothing, here.
Chris, one of my buddies in High School (until he turned in a copy of my paper with his name in it and nearly got me a failing grade, at least he had the common sense to be honest about it) and I both had a crush on a girl in our English class, Michelle. She was fairly smart, and when it comes to English, which is now my chosen field, I was fairly unsurpassed within my high school. I can read around 1,000 words a minute and by this time, I had read thousands of books- my mom is a huge sci-fi fan, and there are science fiction/fantasy bookshelves everywhere. I don't know how many, but I had read most of the books in my house. My family really is just a line of scholars, starting with my grandad (but this is another story), and I didn't only read science fiction. Anything there was to know on North American (and as much as I could get on South American and African, too) wildlife I absorbed. Names (not scientific ones, unless they're snakes), locales, foods, habits, you name it- I wanted to know. I also had a strong curiosity on learning about the past, so history was another major one. The only thing I didn't like, year after year after year, was math.
anyway, Michelle seemed to be strongly attracted to that. however, I decided that since both me and chris liked her...it wasn't worth pursuing.

Then we reach Erin. this was definitely my greatest achievement and also one of my greatest failures.
The summer before my Junior year, I met Erin (who went to my church- technically I didn't meet her, we allready BARELY knw one another) at another summer camp. this time, however, there WAS the possiblility of continuance, as we both lived in norman. I fell asleep on her shoulder during one of the drives, I leanred that she was smart (definitely smarter than me- not more learned, but smarter), funny, attractive, everyting I would want.
We started going out- allthough I truly hate the terms "going out" and "dating," as they tell the reader little more than those people are somehow together. Since the very beginning of our relationship, me and Erin were a couple. We were nearly inseperable (after I considered backing out and then realized that it was probably the best thing ever to happen to me), and after 3 months, I was head over heels in love. She was, too.
I sat in class thinking of her every day, I doodled her name all over my papers, I thought about what her name would look like with my last name, I was walking on a cloud.
She was, too. We shared nearly everything with one another. It was sheer happiness- we were exactly what the other needed.
If we are to examine this relationship, we'll see some htings that make perfect sense. Erin had some very minorly selfish qualities. she was very possessive of physical objects and things, and she loved to argue. she didn't want to be wrong (neither do I, though), and she tended to argue logical progression well.
I was a couple years older, and I was helping her grow up, and furthermore, was giving her a viewpoint on life SHE had never had- She grew up in a normal family- the worst thing that had ever occured was her parents divorce, and they lived a block apart and had kept the entire ordeal silent (so silent that neither erin nor her sister megan knew waht really happened) so as not to upset the kids. Neither Erin nor Megan was particulalry hurt by this, their parents lived close by, and they hadn't fought AT ALL, so Erin didn't blame herself, either. physically, the worst thing to happen to her was a small bike accident in which she had a minor scar on her leg.
She got a vicarious viewpoint through me. She loved it at times, and hated it at times. I pushed all the limits, took some unnecesary risks, and did things she would never have done. She, in turn, taught me what it was to live in a normal family in which your parent actually has enough money that they don't ever have to worry about it, and because of this, enough time to actually pay attention, help with homework, &c.

It went great for something like a year and a half- but at some point in all of this first true love mess, things started falling apart, a little.
We fought more. that wasn't neccesarilly bad- I don't mind fights, they happen. but they weren't fights in which their was either a resolution or a kissing stop, they were fights in which neither of us walked away feeling like anything had been accomplished. Erin was terrified of sex and in some ways, her own sexuality. At some point in our relationship, that was bound to happen- and by then we were basically having sex with our clothes on (as she put it). Then, things took a turn for the worse.
We argued about venomous snakes more than anything. Erin didn't understand the thrill of the chase, the awe of a force in nature so powerful that it could take life unneringly. Perhaps I didn't truly understand my awe of it, either, and I am sure that an outsider to my head would have seen it as a "morbid fasciniation" with near death.
I didn't want to die, however, I just wanted to push the envelope.
After her Junior prom, We went to her house, and slept on her bed (her mom didn't mind that I styed over and probably didn't know that I slept on Erin's bed...) for several hours. allthough we never had sex, and I was, honestly, getting frusterated with it, because It seemed like our relationship had no where to go (except the next logical progression in something that all life moves towards), I enjoyed sleeping with Erin immensely. just being close to her, to be able to hold someone. these things made me feel so needed, so special, and so protective.
I had to go home in the morning- and before I left for home, rex called with the news that he had caught a couple of Western Diamondback Rattlesnakes (Crotalus Atrox). One was very dark and 6 feet long, the other was lighter sandy colors and almost 4 feet. neither was small, by any means.
Erin got very upset. She was scared that I would be bitten or do something equally rash (how ironic) with the snakes, and ORDERED me not to go. we had been fighting about this for the last 3 months, and I couldn't believe she would order me.
I went home, and between the lack of sleep, anger, my own curiosity, and the fact that I wanted to make a statement and my brain had left my body, I picked up the slightly smaller snake.
I didn't hold it correctly- and I wondered afterwards if I had meant to hold it correctly at all. It twisted it's lithe reptillian body between my thumb and fingers (as I was holding its head) and sank it's 3/4 inch fangs deep into my right thumb. I dropped the snake in shock- but it had had plenty of time to inject venom into me. My friend Gabriel rushed me to the hospital.
It felt like liquid fire, and then it went numb, and immediatley started to swell. After about ten minutes my lips lost feeling and began to tingle. in a forty minute time period, my entire right arm was swollen- to the shoulder.
The doctors were afraid that it was going to get to my heart. it didn't, they had treated me with antivenom at some point.
I called Erin from the hospital, and tried to tell her of what happened. the hospital was shielded, so I didn't get my call out, so instead Cecilia (Gabe's girlfriend) managed to make the call. Erin came to the hospital, and despite it all, I felt strong. I wasn't upset, or sad, or even scared. perhaps I wasn't afraid of dying, allthough I honestly think I knew I wasn't going to die. I felt calm with what had happened, and on a lot of reflection, I realized that for whatever reasons, I had done it on purpose.
The second day I knew that I would lose my thumb and be allright. I wouldn't have known how I could tell, because the doctors thought I might keep it, but I knew.
For two weeks I carried around the dead flesh after they released me, in order to see how much of it would heal. it was impossible for them to even do a skin graft and save some sort of an effigy of my thumb as the bones had been killed along with some of the tendons.
My options were to have my second right toe removed and put into place, or to simply live life without a thumb. I chose the second, as it seemed neccesary that I bear my wounds proudly (actually, it was more along the lines that I didn't want a toe for a thumb, and I can do everything just fine, now) and live with my decisions.

Allthough Erin and I dated for nearly 4 months afterwards, she was never able to truly understand my decision, and could never deal with that fact. Our relationship got stronger, for a while, as she realized how close she had come to losing me, and then it started falling apart again as she realized how irreconcilable that decision had been with her view of the world.

She ended up dating our friend Adam very soon after we broke up. It took me months to fully get over it all, understand myself, and understand human nature that much better.

Allthough I spent a little over two years with Erin, I don't have a lot of serious regrets about our relationship, now. It was first love, and that rarely lasts. it ended on a blue note, but I learned so much from it.

During the time I was in "recovery" from Erin, I had a fairly nice chance to rebound on someone who was treating me as I believed I should be treated (at that time)- Pamela. she is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, and she has a tendency to ignore others' feelings- to the point of lying, so as not to deal with them.
She also had some attractive qualities. she is attractive, she can be funny, and sometimes, like a ray of sunlight through a cloud, she can care about someone else for three fractions of a second. I soon realized that this is what I did NOT need, and thankfully never went down that road...

About 6 months after Erin, after I was mostly healed physically and spiritually, I met someone else. Instead of being a real, physical relationship, this was someone I met through a friend once in life and then started to talk to online.
I had actually met her, tracy, only a month after the break up, and had no intention of dating anyone, then. but months and months later, when we tuly started talking, I realized how wonderful tracy was. We talked for hours on the internet, sharing everything from our strange and upsetting childhoods to more recent and upsetting events. I wasn't in love, but knowing me, I oculd have easily have gotten there with a little bit of help from knowing her in "real life."
I had always dissaproved of digital relationships- I had two friends who carried them out fairly unsuccessfully, and I don't know if I am/was willing to attempt something like that.

She was planning on coming to Norman- to OU, in the Fall. but again, things fell apart.

We are at present day, and she's not able to come here. Now, the current "relationship" I am suffering hasn't exactly ended yet- it's a dead end, from every angle I have examined so far. But I have learned that finding the kind of rapport that we have and are developing is rare- is it worth pursuing in cost of all else?
I'm not sure. I keep trying to logically think it out, but feeling is rarely bound by logic- and until I am able to understand my decision, I won't be able to see what could happen. I don't really understand what Ishould do- as my life here in Norman is currently directionless and in a state of near ruin. other than leaving my family, and leaving most of my "friends," I can't see any good reasons for NOT moving.
I am applying to MNT in the fall so I can learn about cars, and I eventually intend to both become an accomplished writer and an english professor, but I could do that elsewhere, it doesn't have to be Norman.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that putting myself in such an awkward an alien situation would be bad. It still hurts that things couldn't work out, it still hurts that things always have to go bad...

summer camp's first law is that relationships at summer camps always build faster and become stronger than they normally would in a standard situation. the law does not state anything about the lasting effect of a relationship- just the formation.